[A Pepto colored ampersand was included here.]

We asked about a half dozen sick bastards: "If you were the pilot of a crashing airliner, what would you say for the record for maximum humorous effect?" Below are their answers.

"Oh, no, not again."


"Gazpacho soup."

"Guess I shouldn't have had those 5 drinks before taking off."

"40 lawyers down. 5 million to go."

"I have a lovely proof of this theorem, but..."

"I've always loved you."

"How about a little necrophilia"

"Pittsburgh? Might as well just do myself."

"Why did I have to pick today to give up thionite?"

"Hey Bob?"
"Yeah Frank?"
"Why's the sky Green?"
"Dunno, Frank."

"Perfect time for a walk in the woods."

"Hills department store. I hate Hills. Let's get 'em."

"Hey, is that a quarter?"

"Hey. We don't *know* that the ground isn't soft and fluffy."

"What the hell, Bob -- tonight let's try following the fairy lights."

"This is your captain speaking. The voices is my head tell me to turn the left engine off and dive for the ground. We'll be landing momentarily."

"Damn! Charley Horse!"

"Hey, Bob. Bet you'll wimp out and bring the plane out of a dive before I will."

"Where's the decimal supposed to be in this altimeter?"

"I *told* you a 737 wasn't stable upside down!"

"No, no, back is up, forward is down."

"Yah, sure, they moved the airport... but wasn't it to the @i(south) of the old one?"

"Say, did we get 13,000 kg of fuel or just 13,000 lbs.?

"Did I leave the gas on?"

"Well, thank god we got all those terrorists restrained in the back. Let's land -- I need a beer."

"Hey cool, if I do *this*..."

"Frank doesn't know it yet, but we've replaced his regular coffee with new Folgers crystals."

"Frank doesn't know it yet, but we've replaced his regular engine coolant with new Folger's crystals"

"Frank doesn't know it yet, but we've replaced his regular *jet fuel* with new Folger's crystals"

"Man, those turbines are giving me a headache. Shut 'em down while I rest for a minute."

"Let's see if we can pick some leaves off the branches of those trees..."

"'Paycut'? Here's what I think about a USAir paycut!"

"Look! It's Elvis!"

"Well, at least we avoided ramming the starship Enterprise back there."

"Hey, I've always wanted to start a tourist attraction..."

"An Iranian, an Englishman, and an American were all on the same plane...."

"Frank doesn't know it yet, but we've replaced his regular control yoke with *a rubber chicken!*"

"Let's see Tom Brokaw claim it's a miracle anyone survived *this* one."

"Let's see if these tires are all-terrain..."

"No worries. The plane is made of bouncy metal. Or is that the 747. I can never remember."

"Should've taken proscar..."

"Hey, that babe in 37C is pretty hot. Why don't we bring her up here?"

"Man, this 4-player DOOM is *excellent!*"

"Klingons off the starboard bow, Jim."

"Budda budda budda! Eeeyroww!! Boom! Boom!"

"What?!? You drank a pot of coffee too?!? Race you to the bathroom!"

"I understand the new automated landing software runs under Lynx..."

"Wanna play 'Hungry Hungry Hippos'?"

"Bob Smith is the winner of our 'be a pilot for a day contest' He'll be bringing us safely into to PGH international."

"Damn, this model has really high resolution rendering. Look at those trees!"

"Guess I shouldn't have called the mechanics union a bunch of thick necked incompetent slugs."

"Funny, it always worked in the simulator."

"If you're not going to agree with me about the baseball salary cap, I'm just going to have to pull over..."

"Tell my wife I hate her."

"Man, this weed is worthless. I'm not even slightly biffle dinked!"

"I can't take another presidential election."

"Man i told you she was sunbathing in the nude; let's go back for a closer look."

"They say it's safer than crossing the street."
"But we have to do that too."

"Frank, what did you get on your shirt?" *bonk*
"Why you..!"

"...and i never did get my &*() coke!"

"Tastes great."
"Less filling."

"I didn't know these chairs reclined!"

"Let's lower some property values."

"These 737's are great. You could stop one on a dime. ...and there's one now!"

"Boy I'm glad we had that tailwind, or we might not have made the eleven-o-clock news!"

"Hey Roy? Here's that ten bucks I owe you."

"I'm tired. Time to pull over and take a nap."

"My hat's too big. It keeps slipping down over my eyes."

"Aaahh! There's a green monster on the wing!"

"Ice cream truck! Ice cream truck!"

"Damn, bathroom's still occupied. I'll just tinkle out the window."

"I think they should have built the airport right here."

"Where are we going?"
"Planet Ten!"
"When are we going?"
"Real soon!"

"What's a six letter word meaning 'the floor outside', rhymes with 'sound', begins with G?"

"Hey, watch this."

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